Journey to 1000 Gifts from Him. {Day 251} SINGING PRAISE

There are mornings when waking up out of REM sleep and ending on the sour note of a bad dream really threaten to discolor the sky of any day.

I wake and try to ponder for a few minutes, but nothing stirs me out of the gloom.  I get up and begin the day with proofreading my sweetheart's paper and brushing through my hair tangle.  The little boys are up so early and I wonder how I'm going to fight through this day...alone...because my sweetheart is going back to school.  I get ready for the day and afterwards let the boys watch a short movie while I spend my much-needed daily time with the Lord...feasting and thinking and feeling.  I plead with Him for answers (as I do on so many mornings), answers to solve my miniscule problems that loom larger than life.

As I read I'm reminded of the dreams I had just before waking...of being left alone time after time...and me struggling to care for my boys all by myself.  And I realize that this subconscious fear is what I've been harboring...knowing that my sweetheart would be returning to school, knowing that soon we will welcome another beautiful spirit into our home and I will be a lone mother again when we move.

But the words I read give me hope and call me to repentance.  The Lord did not leave the Jaredites alone when they crossed the great deep.  He gave them light, He provided them wind, He made is so no whale or sea creature could mar their ships, He brought them out of the depths when they were encompassed about with waves.  And for 344 days, they were driven forth...tossed upon the waves of the sea.  

But what did they do?  Did they bemoan their lot or ask "why" to their Lord?  No.  "...they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord." (Ether 6:9)

And I felt that this story was for me.  Today.  And everyday as I strive to make the counting of the gifts become part of who I am.

So I sang.  Songs of testimony and commitment and love.  Songs that lifted me from the depths of the encompassing waves and set me aright again on top of the waters.

Songs of praise have this sort of power.  And I wonder why I haven't thought to make the consistent singing a part of my daily praise...

It is now.

"An occasional burst of praise, in the midst of years of complaining, is not what is required. Songs on rare, sunshiny days; and no songs when skies are cloudy—will not make a life of gratitude. The heart must learn to sing always."  ~J.R. Miller, 1912

{ image via pinterest}

908.  Quiet time to relish with my boys and sweetheart every morning this week.
909.  Knowing the Lord will give me gems in my scripture study this morning.
913.  Imagining what my Little Star will look like and envisioning her in my mind.
914.  A fun and memorable library trip.
917.  My sweetheart telling me that I'm the most beautiful woman in the all the world and that he loves me with all of his heart.
922.  Little one hiccups inside of me
925.  My personal "Thanksgiving Celebration" where I will reflect on all that I have learned this year.
931.  German buttery pancakes with homemade Raspberry jam.
933.  The boys always behaving so reverently during Sacrament meeting.
940.  Paper chains--red and orange to count down our time before we move to our Cottage and pastel pink for when Little Star will come.
941.  Actually feeling the singing of praise lifting and energizing my sagging spirit.
942.  Pop reminding me that the waiting and anticipation is just as exciting as the actual having.

Journey to 1000 Gifts from Him. {Day 244}

#831. Little Bear making our bed out of the kindness of his heart.

#833. A dreary day.

#835. Sleeping in.

#846. A Thankful Box filling up.

#848. Being almost all ready for the hospital.

#849. Boys playing sweetly by themselves

#850. How they're growing up and I'm loving "where they are" right now.

#854. Feeling deep in my heart that the Lord's will really is best--whatever that may be.

#862. A nice, long rest while the boys made a big, beautiful mess of toys and play things.

#866. Christmas music bringing the magical feelings of the coming holiday season.

#877. A video about teaching gratitude to children through cataloging gratitude, gratitude letters, and 3 good things discussed at the end of each day.

#883. Little Bear's wild and crazy hair messed up from his hat.

#889. Turning my will over to the Lord.

#894. Little Bear hugging Little Bug, taking his cheeks in his hands and asking, "Do you love me?"

#900.  This holy, special family tiem on a Sunday evening.

#901. My sweetheart home with us all week.

#902. The boys playing lions as they wrestle helter skelter on the floor...and me letting the laughter roll the whole time...

Filled with Light.

"The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

{3 Nephi 13:22}

"And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be full of light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."

{D&C 88:67}

How often I have read these words, like poetry, straight from the Lord's own mouth.

Knowing that the light of the body is the eye, I have become a vigilant observer of eyes.  After years of watching and feeling, it is usually easy to discern the state of one's heart from the light that shines forth from one's eyes.  In fact, the light of the eye reflects in the whole of the countenance.

But what of the eye being single to the glory of God?

How often I have pondered this deeper meaning.

Today light poured into my understanding, and I understood perhaps a layer of meaning to this phrase.

How do we glory God?  We live our lives in righteousness, always the best we can; we arise and shine forth an example of light; and then we bring Him praise for everything we receive...even the hardships.

This is, I believe, the summation of glorying God.

And if this, this glory-giving, glory-living life is what we focus on singly, or solely, it shows.  It manifests as a shining of light in our eyes.

I go to the mirror and examine my eyes.  There's the blue and the white and the black of the pupil, but I ignore all of these and look deeper.  Is the light there?  And my mind rolls back in time to nearly 7 years ago when I sat in a BYU-Idaho devotional in a little chapel on a cushioned bench.  I do not remember the name of the lady addressing, but I'll never forget what she taught.  She spoke of eyes and light and countenances reflecting the light of the Savior.  And she issued a challenge.   To rise up each morning, go to a mirror, and look for the light.  We were then encouraged to act that day in a way that the light in our eyes would be increased.

Here at my mirror, seven years later, and I still search for the light as often as I remember.  Maybe this coming year it will become a solidified routine.  

To check for the light.  

To examine the eyes.  

To live a life of glory to God...

And the list continues...
ever onward to 1000...

#752 Little inventive boys
#753 Old matchbox cars coursing through brown wrapping paper tubes.
#755 Sweet Pea's countdown inspired by the Spirit.
#757 Prayers and faith pulling Mother through her surgery and post-surgery with no epidural or pain medication.
#764 A sweet tender birthday hug from Pop
#771 Impromptu sweetness last night before drifting into slumber.
#772 This heart-building counting of the graces, while waiting for my own little "Grace" girl.
#773 Little Bug's pure, innocent, unrestrained laughter.
#775 Approaching the 1000 mark and wondering what lies beyond...

Listing--the Magic Button

Why do I always forget that gratitude, the special eyesight to see His wonder everywhere, is the answer to all woe?  When I refuse to "see" it is only because I have been blinded by he who wants my miserableness.  When my day (or just a few moments) go all wrong I search and seek for some magical answer, some perfect button to push and make everything happy again.  Then I moan when this magic button does not appear and I think I will never find the answers.

But somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice whispers, be thankful, give praise, see gratitude.  When I push it out, I remain in the unhappiness, but when I grasp onto those words and enact them by listing the gifts from God, I am restored to the happiness.

Why do I forget?  Why do I refuse to listen?  Is it because of the smallness of the task, the simpleness of the way?

Oh can I engrave these words into my heart forever?

 "...by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

I just need more practice.  And this year is the perfect time to do so...

     I will keep trying to remember...even when I forget or fail.

          Someday I will live eucharisteo perfectly.

{My list continues...}

#389. Open notebook just waiting for more grace.

#391. Pouring over Women's Conference details.

#402. Blueberry muffins in wicker basket.

#404. New day beckoning tomorrow-a perfect day to give away all my will.

#405. Little goodnights breathed through the dark.

#408. Beaded buds on tree limbs

#411. Raindrop smattered shopping trip.

#412 New shoes for little boys.

#414. Home to enjoy the rain from indoors

#415. Tortilla chips with a hint of pepper jack

#417. Forgiveness sweet from Little Bear.

#421. Slow dancing with my sweetheart.

#422. Soft music with breakfast.

#424. Inspiration from heaven teaching me to praise my boys--lavish them with it

#429. The opportunity to make a difference through blogging.

#430. Fresh fish delivered from a dear friend.

#432. Little Bug whispers.

#438. Lovely nap all snuggled under covers.

#446. My sweetheart's presence this morning.

Cupped Hands, broken world, Eucharisteo in practice

Last night was wonderful.  With the summation of General Conference and the words of a living prophet, my heart was happy as my sweetheart and I discussed the gems we heard.

But today has been a tornado of terribleness.  Boys crying and falling off chairs and puzzles missing pieces and I sit and wonder what pieces are missing in me.  Why is this all so hard?  Why can I not be just stronger and just truer and just better and just...something that I'm lacking?

I remember Ann's words I read last night when all was peaceful and still and just perfect.  And today with the turmoil the words are being put to the test:

"Eucharisteo makes the knees the vantage point of a life and I bend and the body, it says it quiet: 'Thy will be done.' This is the way a body and a mouth say thank you: Thy will be done. This is the way the self dies, falls into the arms of Love." ~Ann Voskamp, one thousand gifts

I felt it last night after prayer and while I quietly pondered.  I gave my will to Him and in response, a waterfall of joy and peace washing over me, making me feel cleansed and pure.

But in the here and now, the rush and franticness, the helter and skelter, the tears and the anger, "this fallen world [that] never stops dis-membering and we all break apart a bit more everyday," I am put to the test.  But what else could I expect when for Christmas I gave Him a gift of thanks, Eucharisteo, that would evolve into a new way of life for me and my family?

Do I not believe that He will therefore give me a chance to practice this Eucharisteo every day and perhaps every moment?  But what of when I don't feel joy brimming and overflowing?  What of the reality of diapers and laundry and stubbed toes and dishes and piano lessons and keeping the peace with a house of 3 boys?  What of the times when my heart fills empty and alone and angry?

This is the time when I can follow what I read from Ann last night:

"And I humbly open my hand to release my will to receive His, to accept His wind.  I accept the gift of now as it is -- accept God -- for I can't be receptive to God unless I receive what He gives."

And this too:

"True saints know that the place where all the joy comes from is far deeper than that of feelings; joy comes from the place of the very presence of God. Joy is God and God is joy and joy doesn't negate all other emotions--joy transcends all other emotions." 

~Ann Voskamp, one thousand gifts

So I keep counting and scrawling the gifts and little by little, with hands cupped, the winds start to cease--if not all around me then at least in my heart.  And my "I can't do this," turns into "We can."

Because the piece that was missing I can find everyday in Him and in seeing Him in every moment, every eyelash, every sound, ever tear.  He is here...giving me good gifts and I have cracked the code and will continue to re-crack it daily until it becomes in essence a very part of me. 

"In the remembering to give thanks, our broken places are re-membered — made whole."  ~Ann Voskamp

#175. Sunlight lacing edges of dark cloud
#183. Reminding myself that yes, even this is grace
#187. Not losing my temper once today
#202. Feeling the bread broken and the water cool--both healing my soul
#205. Prompting to call Mom and talk to her about my grace-trial
#223. Beethoven's Sonate drifting through my ears melancholy and somber and poignant
#227. Quiet moment in the Word
#228. Funny texts from sweetheart the make me smile
#230. Nudges to carry this notebook everywhere
#238. Warm purple socks snuggling cold feet
#239. Thinking of summer
#243. Day all mended with a call to my best friend
#253. Seeing my distorted reflection in the steel of cheese grater--reminding me that I see through a glass, darkly.  There is no veil veiling His view and perspective.
#260. Seeing the good adventure in living with family this year.
#279. A daily routine that finally words--Breakfast, chores, Sunrise Devotional, Preschool, lunch, naps, laundry and movie, playtime, scriptures and journals, bedtime
#280. Knowing soon I will have a Sabbath routine that will work.
#301. Warm, unseen hands on shoulders comforting me through my doctor's visit
#304. Little Bug running all cuddly to my lap.
#316. Needing more tape which seemed like storm of hail but was really grace because it led me to the store where I found the miracle of the 40 teal totes each $2.00
#318. Kind man fetching my lids when they blew away in the ferocious 35-40 mile an hour wind then going with me the extra mile to my car to keep the lids from flying away again.
#319. After completely dying, car starting again after a heartfelt prayer and many attempts.
#332. Trusting the Lord to cradle my day
#334. April 1st sunshine
#339. Rustles of pages and clicks of marker lids--the sound of boys coloring
#344. Little Bug saying "blanket" for the first time
#353. Little Bug wanting me to hold him all day-those days are so limited
#356. Little boys in little socks running in the sunshine and riding trikes
#359. Joy cackle of Little Bug on the swing for the first time this Spring.  Last year he went through a phase of fear for swings.  Had he just forgotten the magical wonder of it all?
#360. Waking up to Little Bear's voice singing, "Conference is today, Conference is today!"
#361. Spirit blanketing home today with General Conference streaming to our eyes and ears
#374. Bedlamites laughing manically while rolling on the ground.
#383. Little Bug's "Thank you Mommy's."

Multitudes on Monday

Last week I began my new book, One Thousand Gifts.

And last week I took the dare to live fully right where I am.

I bought a new journal to record the gifts...and recorded 100 on day 1.

I am just a beginner, but before I ever found this book or A Holy Experience, I gave my Savior the gift of gratitude for Christmas.  And gratitude is what I worked on through January and February, progress was minimal but concerted none the less.  But on March 1st when I found the book, and read the first chapter online, and found the blog, gratitude every day seemed no more like drudgery, but salvation.  And not only this, but attainable, within my reach, like a star falling right into my cupped hands.

A goal for Gratitude has become a year of Eucharisteo.

Now I am on gift #217 and I'm still a beginner, yet aren't we all?  Beginners at truly coming to know Christ? and His goodness? and mercy?

But I am starting to see, clearly, and finding joy in the process, in the journey, in the moments.

It seems that now my test is to endure the hard eucharisteo, and the things like rain and snowy trials that don't look like grace.  But they are.  Because all is grace, even this.  And all is well, because everywhere there is a well to drink the living waters, we just must search and seek to find.

Some days He showers down sunshine unending and we feel and taste of His love so abundantly.

Other days He showers down sleet and hail and we feel and taste of bitterness if we choose, or grace if we have eyes to see that storms grow the trees and plants just as much as the sunshine.  

And we are the trees....needing the sunshine...and the storms.

#1. Awakening to home all quiet and peaceful.

#2. Knowing I have a Savior.

#4. A new notebook with its promise of fresh pages.

#44. First somersaults

#48. Small tick of clock inviting me to slow and savor.

#60. Light sparkle in the cracks of blinds

#67. Kisses "left on."

#85. New spices wrapped in glass bottles.

#88. Laughing--really and truly with my sweeetie.

#96. The love-knowing that comes from 5 years of marriage.

#99. Aching hand from a day of gift-chronicling

#129. The joy of the unknown future and the adventure it will be.

#136. Red velvety cupcakes with cream cheese icing

#141. Little Bear telling me my fresh blow-dried hair was so beautiful.

#142. Burnt orange weeds all aflame with the fire of God.

#143. Warm home-baked bread with creamy honey or chunky peanut butter and raspberry jam

#145. Practicing Eucharisteo when it's hard.

#149. Mid-afternoon napping in my sweetheart's arms.

#151. Still hoping...

#162. Feeling the peace of being so close to nature and God...