The Heart Healing {Chapter 4}

This is the final chapter of my heart story - at least for now...

A week passed and life started up again full throttle. All summer we had been preparing for something new - homeschool to start in the fall. The Lord had placed this desire, this mandate so to speak, upon my heart earlier this spring and countless hours had been spent researching and planning and preparing for the start of this new adventure. 

With such a busy summer I knew I would need to rest after having the baby so I would be refreshed and revitalized when school commenced. But life rarely goes according to plan - it's a lesson I keep learning again and again. And the week I had penciled in my planner - the week Patrick had off work - I planned to rest. I had visions of snuggling my new baby boy, getting to know him, napping - just slow, gentle time easing our family into this new season.

But the "heartbreak" happened and the restful week turned into a testing week. We were exhausted, but still we plunged on - charged with the energy of what seemed a second chance at life.

So, with my heart on the mend, the children were ready and anxious to begin school, and before I knew it, we were thrown back into life. The zest of excitement in teaching my children, the magic sparkle of embarking on a learning adventure with them every day was rich and soul-satisfying. I felt I had stepped into a fairy tale. Motherhood took on new layers of depth and meaning I never before knew existed. My heart swelled with a joy so complete that I almost forgot about my heart complications.

And yet, in the midst of all this goodness, there was a nagging inside me. It was a small feeling of unease but I couldn't decipher what it was trying to tell me. Not until last weekend, when I came down with a cold, did the small feeling turn into a small voice...I needed to process the trauma I had been through. I stumbled upon Ann Voskamp's most recent blog post and the hot tears that coursed down my cheeks as I read about her daughter's recent heart surgery made me realize I hadn't journaled about my experience fully. You see, there's a danger in moving too quickly from the wake of a storm back to regular life. We need time. Time to process the lessons as we heal. Otherwise, the lessons are lost. The Master Sculptor is ever trying to shape us into beautiful works of art. But if we don't take the time to learn from our trials, our sculpting process is slowed or halted altogether. Yes, there was more to be discovered from my Peripartum Cardiomyopathy and it could only be found in the stillness.

And like He always does, the Lord provided a way for me to do just that. To my delighted suprise, my sweet grandparents called me up and offered to take my three older children for a visit to their house. They came on Tuesday, and with the flexibility of school at home, my children left with their backpacks bulging and ear-to-ear grins on their faces. I was alone with my baby and it was time to go within.

I opened my rose-gold planner-journal to a clean, smooth sheet and titled it: "Heart Pondering." For the next several hours, my pen flew across the page as the words flowed through my mind.

I started with questions: "My heart was breaking and it hurt to breathe. Why was it breaking? Why was it beating so slowly? Why was it enlarged? Why was there excess fluid around my heart and lungs?"

And as I pondered there, the answers came. Perhaps I had been packing away too much "unnecessary fluid" in the forms of criticism and judgments toward myself and others, and the ever-alluring path of perfectionism. Perhaps on a mental and emotional level, this lack of love had slowed my heart down.

On a physical level, perhaps I had asked my heart to do too much. With all good intentions, I had planned to rest during this pregnancy, but instead I increased my pace with moving to the Middle House, planning homeschool, and living out family vacations. I had over-sacrificed myself throughout the pregnancy and despite the fact that I had promised myself I would slow down and take it easy, I sped up.

And when the heart problems came, they forced me to slow down and come to a complete halt as I lay there in the emergency room feeling so close to death. All I wanted was my family. All I cared about was my family. And all I wanted was to be healed so I could go home and hold them once more. Nothing else mattered. Life felt altogether so overwhelmingly beautiful and so achingly fragile. 

And while the lessons from that fateful night were so poignant and my perspective had shifted permanently, I realized that my actions had not. Soon after the trauma I was right back to where I had started - over-sacrificing and not taking enough time for myself to rest and recharge.

I determined the lessons would not be lost on me. 

"Listen to the beat of your own heart. Listen to what it's telling you, to the rhythm it wants you to keep. Listen to the bravery of your beats -- believe that your heart is pounding together something new. This is how He made a heart to work. Listen to this and rest. The way to recover is to cover everything with grace." -Ann Voskamp

This grace? This love? It's the antidote to every heartbreak on earth. It was the love of my Savior through words of scripture. Love of my husband and love for my children that I held onto for dear life. Love of family and friends through their charitable service and those heavenly angels that are just across the veil. I was mended back together in that broken place by Love.

And now it's time to love my heart back to wholeness. I will love my Savior stronger than I ever have before. He will be my anchor and my rock. I will love myself better through the continual gift of stillness and self-compasision. I will love my family with kind words and kisses, gratitude and grace, shared memories and lots of listening. I will love my friends and my enemies with just a little bit more service, just a few more prayers in their behalf. I will love my life by leaving the "path of perfectionism" to pursue the "art of excellence."

Because in the end? Love is all that matters. Love binds up our hearts, binds us to Christ, and binds us together. Yes, it is true. Overwhelming love is the prescription to all our heart afflictions and it's this love that will keep our hearts beating strong.

The Christ-Centered Home

With the celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, it's natural for mothers to enter this new week wondering where to go next. With cards and flowers, breakfasts in bed and little homemade gifts, our hearts are renewed to continue strong in our mothering journeys. And yet, we desire to be just a little bit better; we long to make a greater difference in our children's lives. We fully realize our role as homemakers is to be the heart of the home and create an atmosphere of love, peace, and refuge for our families. And yet, does it ever feel a bit daunting when we consider just how to accomplish this?

May I suggest a little book that might help?

"The Christ-Centered Home" by Emily Belle Freeman


I have dearly loved every book by Emily Freeman, but this one is my new favorite. With her gift of weaving stories and ideas into practical life lessons, Emily invites us on a 12-month journey to center our homes on our Savior, Jesus Christ.

In addition to inspirational stories and scriptures, each chapter includes journal questions for introspection and a lesson to teach our families (complete with a conversation, a connection activity, and a celebration treat to make together).

This book came at just the right time for me - in this transition phase of renting a little home while building our farmhouse. I've been searching for a way to unite my family and provide some sort of stability for them in this bit of upheaval. My answer is clear - I must create a Christ-centered home. Because it is only through Him that we will find the peace and stability we all seek in this ever-changing world with its continual trials. As I've taken the time to read, my cup has been filled with joy and resolve to reclaim my position as homemaker and home-changer. I hope that throughout this year, my family will feel a noticeable shift in the atmosphere of our home and by next Mother's Day, our hearts will be knit together in Christ.

Perhaps one of my favorite quotes from the book is this:


This is how I feel every. single. day. I feel to rejoice with all my heart for all of the ordinary and spectacular miracles He grants me each day. The tender mercies never stop raining down upon me, and the more I notice them, the more I find. Heaven has not forgotten me and heaven has not forgotten you. I hope that with the start of this new week you will feel how very much your Heavenly Father loves you and your family. He wants you to succeed and receive all the glorious blessings He has prepared for you. And if you seek for His grace, you will surely find it.

With love for all of you,

Your friend,
Jamie

Seeking Peace.

There are just over two weeks until Christmas and all I can think about is writing "peace."

But how can I even think about writing peace when I can hardly find it amidst the afternoon chaos? Coats and backpacks are all entangled and littered on the ground, accompanied with corrected homework sheets, school newsletters and the like spread out over counter, table, and couch. I see markers under the table and coloring pages lying in piles on shelves. Everywhere I look there are paper airplanes and half-finished origami creations resting like tufts of snow. Everyone needs me at once so I can listen to their read-aloud books and sight word sheets and help with story pre-writing. Where in all of this can peace be found?

We stumble along, getting everything sorted, but after an hour I can feel my patience growing thin and I know I need to escape for just a bit. It doesn't seem practical when there's so much to be done, but it might just be life-giving. 

So with the remnants of clutter tossed, and most of the homework tucked away, the little ones go upstairs to rest with a short movie and I retreat to my bedroom. 

I fall onto my bed and let my eyes close. I take a moment to just breathe. 

I breathe in gratitude for my oldest boy who is so responsible and talented. 

I breathe out all the anxiety. 

I breathe in love for my firecracker princess and breathe out overwhelm. 

I breathe in thanks for my middle son's easygoing nature and breathe out the noisy chaos. 

I breathe in appreciation for my home with its simple white decor and vintage charm.
I breathe out any lingering unhappiness. 

I breathe in pure awe and gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ, whose spirit fills my home and the deepest corners of my heart.
I breathe out all remnants of distress. 

It's okay to let everything go. It's okay to give your day to the Redeemer so He can redeem you from burdened to blessed. 

And I realize this: Peace is never far away when you realize your peace comes from Christ. 

When the movie is over and my respite is ended, I return to my family with smiling eyes and a peaceful heart. I resolve anew to take a small break of spiritual whitespace on a regular basis to restore my center--my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I also commit to remembering that this peaceful center, this hub of the wheel that can only be found in Christ, can be a resting place even when I can't retreat. If I rest my heart on Him, His peace can be found even in the midst of a struggle. When the afternoon becomes an avalanche, I will draw upon my center, my firm foundation in Christ. Therein I will find everlasting peace.

So go to Him in the quiet moments and in the busy ones too. Breathe in His peace as you tuck little ones in, or peel carrots for the soup, or referee the endless quarrels. Breathe in His peace at any moment, at any time. And let His peace wrap your heart in wonder...

{I'm linking up to #onewordadvent over at Bonnie Gray's blog. I was beyond thrilled to create this week's hand-lettered badge for her link-up!}

Day 16: A Beautiful Ride

Life really is a beautiful ride, isn't it? If you're anything like me, you wake up every morning with overwhelming stress, mountains of laundry and a to-do list as long as the Amazon, but when you really stop and think about it, aren't we just so blessed to be alive? You are gifted 24 hours every single day--what will you do with those few precious hours? We can use them to rush around as busy crazies, or we can s l o w  d o w n and savor each precious moment for exactly what it is--a gift. Ride along today at a slower than usual pace. See if you can truly relish the beautiful ride. Happy Friday my sweet, sweet friends. Thank you for sharing this space with me. I hope your weekend turns into the most lovely, meaningful gift for you!

{To view this print in my shop, click here}

Day 15: Remember

Throughout the scriptures we are encouraged to "remember." I would encourage you to do a study on this beautiful word and find it sprinkled throughout the beautiful scripture accounts. 

It is good for the soul to remember. Remember your blessings. Remember your hardships and how the Lord never left your side, and ultimately delivered you. Remember His power and miracles. Remember His love. Remember Him. 

It's a beautiful thing, this remembering. It takes a tired, worn-out day and makes it feel brand new. 

How has remembering blessed your life?

Day 14: Be Still

Stillness is so good for our souls. It is in the stillness that we can feel the comfort, the peace, and the love of our Heavenly Father. All we have to do is quiet our minds and hearts.

Today I encourage you to pause whatever you are doing right in this very minute--and choose to be still. Take a few, long deep breaths, and in this sweet moment of stillness, feel the presence of the Spirit. Remember the mercy, grace, and love of the Lord towards you, and choose to trust Him with your life, your heart and your dreams. He cares about you so much.

It is in the stillness that we can most readily find Him--waiting for us to come unto Him.

{To view this print in my shop, click here}

Day 8: I Love to See the Temple

{Find this print in my etsy shop here}

From the back windows of my home, if you search the horizon, you can see the temple way off far in the distance. At night you can see the glow of the spires. Truly, I love to see the temple. These beacons of light are a piece of heaven on earth and I delight every time I am honored to step inside temple doors. In the temple I always feel perfectly at home.

Lately I have felt stirrings in my heart to retreat to the temple more often. It has been our goal, as a couple since we were married, to attend once a month. For the most part, we have kept our goal, and it has proved such a blessing, but there was a special time in our married life when we were blessed to attend the temple weekly and it made such a difference.

I miss those days when we lived just down the street from the Rexburg temple. We would each pick a day during the week to rise at 5:00 in the morning to attend the temple at 6:00. Since we had little babies, we would switch off and go separately. Then once a month, we would get a babysitter and go together. There was a special feeling in our little cottage apartment during those two years we lived there and I believe it was because of the choice we made to increase our temple attendance.

Now I live 20 minutes from the temple, and while it seems so far, I remember in Portugal when we lived a country and 9 hours away from the temple. I am so blessed where I live, and in fact, so spoiled to live so close. I still have young children, and while this seems a valid excuse, the price to pay to attend the temple is so small in comparison to the blessings we receive.

To end, I would just like to quote from our beloved past apostle Elder Richard G. Scott:

"Because I love you, I am going to speak to you heart to heart, without mincing words. I have seen that many times individuals have made great sacrifices to go to a distant temple. But when a temple is built close by, within a short time, many do not visit it regularly. I have a suggestion: When a temple is conveniently nearby, small things may interrupt your plans to go to the temple. Set specific goals, considering your circumstances, of when you can and will participate in temple ordinances. Then do not allow anything to interfere with that plan. This pattern will guarantee that those who live in the shadow of a temple will be as blessed as are those who plan far ahead and make a long trip to the temple.

"Fourteen years ago I decided to attend the temple and complete an ordinance at least once a week. When I am traveling I make up the missed visits in order to achieve that objective. I have kept that resolve, and it has changed my life profoundly. I strive to participate in all the different ordinances available in the temple.

"I encourage you to establish your own goal of how frequently you will avail yourself of the ordinances offered in our operating temples. What is there that is more important than attending and participating in the ordinances of the temple? What activity could have a greater impact and provide more joy and profound happiness for a couple than worshipping together in the temple?

-Elder Richard G. Scott 

Today I will be establishing a new goal of how frequently I will retreat to the temple to gain the peace, direction, and blessings that await. I can't afford not to.

May we never lose sight of the temple, and all of the glorious blessings that await us there.

Day 3: Discipleship

General Conference washed over me like a wave of peace today. Heavenly Father is so good to us. He always provides waters of stillness and refreshment to quench our souls. I feel wholly filled with living water and empowered onward in my life's journey.

Heaven feels so very near.

This quote, (along with dozens of others) touched me deeply. {Click here to view this print in my Etsy shop}

Discipleship doesn't need to be complicated. All it requires is our heart and a willing mind. Come unto Christ and He will show us all things that we should do. He will lead us to places of green pasture and comfort us when the storms billow. Life doesn't require complicated solutions. All it requires is Christ.

He is the answer to our every need.

He is the spiritual bread and water that will eternally satisfy.

He is the one true Friend who will always be there for us.

He lives, and as His disciple, I renew my commitment to daily come unto Him and let His mercy and grace heal my soul.

For if we knock, He will open His door, welcome us into His home, and give us words of eternal life.

My Top 10 Favorite Books!

As you can see, I'm still learning about periscope and Youtube and such, so my thumbnail on the video is sideways...but the video is upright so at least I figured that much out! I hope you enjoy looking into some of my favorite nonfiction/inspirational books. The links are below the video.

Shelter for the Spirit: Create Your Own Haven in a Hectic World
10 Mindful Minutes
The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, and Cooperative Children
essentialism
Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe
the Water Secret
Paradise in Plain Sight
Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life
A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live
Simply Tuesday: Small Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World

Up Next on my Reading List:
Becoming His: A Daily Journey Toward Discipleship
The Fringe Hours: Making Time for You
All Rain, No Mud: The Secret to Happiness in a Stormy World
Longing for Paris
More to Your Story
Beginning of Better Days
Pursue the Intentional Life
Finding Spiritual Whitespace
The Greatest Gift: Unwrapping the Full Love Story of Christmas

The Secret of the Sacred Morning

Imagine the radiance of a sunrise, when all the gray turns to dawn and the whole world breathes in freshness. Have you ever woken before the rest of your house--when all is quiet and perfectly still? Have you ever walked through the rooms of your home as Moses approached the burning bush--in reverent awe as you tread softly on sacred ground? The peace feels almost other-worldly in a home that is usually filled with the laughter and lively voices of little children.

Anyone who is acquainted with the early hours knows that mornings hold a well-kept secret:

Mornings are powerful. And intrinsically, they set the tone for the rest of the day.

Harness the tranquility of the morning and you have captured a spirituality that will uphold and surround you for the rest of the day. The Spirit you find in the morning will fill you up and radiate outward to those in your sphere of influence.

And summer is especially conducive to this sacred kind of morning.

I have learned a few lessons this summer through experimentation and trial and error:

1. I can feel the difference. On the days that I bask in the stillness, scuba-dive into the treasure chest of God's holy word, and record Heaven's answers, I am a holier person. I mother more like the Savior ministers. And the days when I sleep in too long, missing out on a morning renewal, and instead rush through the chaos of the morning, I feel the lack.
2. Summer is the perfect time to spend the morning stillness with our children. When my boys were toddlers I used to dread the thought of them waking up during "my study time" because it would interrupt the stillness. I tiptoed around hoping not to wake them and inwardly cringed if they awoke. How I wish I would have realized as a brand new mother that my children were not stillness breakers as I assumed, but stillness seekers just like myself. As mothers, we hold the power to take them in our arms, snuggle them, and model for our children just how we soak in the stillness. This summer I rejoice if my children join me in my morning sacred hour. They sit with me in the comfort of my bed or the beauty of our white sofa and together we enjoy the peace.
3. There are many resources for children to savor. Find children's scripture readers here, here, here, and here, scripture videos here, more inspiring children's videos here, online games and activities here, a family history coloring book for only $.85 here, a beautiful and inexpensive children's magazine here, or the online version here.
4. The early morning can become a laboratory of learning how to live like our Savior. This new idea was just given to me on Friday night as I sat in the temple, and I am anxious to try it out today. This website here has countless Bible videos that demonstrate the moments of our Savior's life from recorded scripture. I want to watch one small video a day and then seek to let the power of Christ change me into a mother who ministers to my children just as He would minister to them if He were here.
5. The still morning doesn't last forever. Much too soon the house wakes up, the stillness dissipates, and the home becomes a little hive of busyness. We kneel in family prayer, eat breakfast, and send Daddy off to work. And if I'm not careful, I can let the last few seconds of stillness slip through my fingers untapped. In those last few moments before the hustle ensues, it is good for us to share what we learned from our spiritual feast. It is a precious time I can use to shape their little spirits as well as my own. Sharing insights can produce a special kind of spiritual synergy.

Will you join me in the hushed holiness of the early morn? Will you use this time to cloak your home in the robes of reverence so that you and your home become shelters of security, safe havens of holiness, and sanctuaries of stillness?

Be still and know that he is God. 

Read in the reverence.

Put on the protection of peace.

Write in the stillness.

The miracle of the morning is the best-kept secret around.