The Dark Days {My Battle Part 1}

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It was sometime in the middle of February that it hit me. Like a ton of bricks crashing down on my inner peace.  It was the bane of postpartum depression.

My little angel girl was born at the end of November, shortly after my younger sister got married and my sweet mother underwent a major thoracotomy (lung surgery).  And though the first few months of juggling two rowdy boys and a brand new infant were trying, life was peaceful and exciting.

In December we moved to a new state and into a beautiful, antique, renovated farmhouse cottage.  Christmas came and we gathered our little ones around our tree in love and joy.

In January my sweetheart began his second to last affiliation in a city about 45 minutes from our house, and simultaneously threw himself into intensive study for his boards of physical therapy which we would be taking in March.  We began desperately searching for a job, knowing that he would graduate in May and we would need some way to provide for our growing family.  I tried to deal with these circumstances the best I knew how, but one day, I finally just snapped.

It was too much stress, too much pressure, too many new changes and worries.  I tried to ignore the feelings of depression I was having.  I tried to shrug them off and be happy anyway.  I tried to be the best mother I could be, and a support to my husband.  I tried to perform my regular duties with a positive attitude.  But nothing was working.  I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling, for fear they would think I was a failure, or that I wasn't strong enough to handle three children.

Life came and went for the next several months.  Stresses intensified when my husband felt like he had failed his boards and we anticipated the awful waiting until July for the next licensure exam, wondering how we would ever support our family when our loan money ran out in May.  But things resolved themselves, as they often do.  The Lord gave us tender mercy after tender mercy.  My sweetheart miraculously passed his boards, he was given a promising job, and things began to turn brighter--externally.  But internally I was still battling an immense amount of sadness that I couldn't explain.

What was I to do?  Where was I to turn?  I felt like I had fallen in a deep, dark hole that I couldn't climb out of, no matter how hard I tried.  Would I ever be free?  Would I ever feel like my normal, enthusiastic, in love with life, happy self?

{And for fear that this post is getting too long, I will finish my story in tomorrow's post....}

Putting Him First.

Morning comes and I find myself on my knees, supplicating my Heavenly Father for guidance, direction, strength, and grace.  Then I retreat to my chocolate-brown couch to curl up in a fuzzy blanket and read His word.  From this vantage point I can see to the left my beloved painting of Christ walking on the water and to the right, the serene countryside through the picture window.  This is my time with the Lord, and I treasure each minute.  With young children who wake up early, it isn't long (only 30 short minutes), but I strive to make it quality time.  The morning hours, are to me, so quiet and still and ripe with promise of a beautiful day.  It is in the stillness that I feel closest to my Father and can introspectively examine the state of my heart.  Despite how tired I feel each morning as I awake and contemplate another busy day with small children, this one practice of a morning devotional has greatly blessed my life.  It is worth the sacrifice of a little sleep.

It hasn't always been this way.  Since the time I was young, I have always tried to spend time in the words of scripture, but because of changing times and seasons, it hasn't always been first thing in the morning, and it hasn't always been for the same amount of time.  It has been quite a journey to finding the perfect way for "me" to feast on His word, but I can attest that for now, this way of physically putting Him first as well as mentally, is the way He has led me.

We are all different, and our schedules and demands placed on our time differ as well.  But one thing can be common among the host of Christ's disciples.  We can strive to always put Him first.  We can soak in His word and meditate upon it throughout the day.  We can teach what we learn to our little ones who live at home, or who are all grown up and living away from home.

And now, some of the practices that have helped me strengthen my own spirituality daily are as follows:

*In my morning prayer, I ask the Father to bless me with inspiration to apply what I will read to the day's needs.
*I purchase an inexpensive copy of the scriptures each year so that as I read each day I can mark them up and write in the margins what impresses me and how the verses apply to my current situation.  In this way, my scriptures become a sort of study journal for me to go back and reflect on how far I've come.
*I leave the scriptures open on the coffee table to one of the pages I have studied and marked so that each time I pass, I am reminded to glance down and remember the words I have studied for the day.
*I pray to follow what I have read often throughout the day.
*My husband and I take a minute to share with each other what we learned before we go to bed.
*I strive to share with my little ones a simplified version of some of the principles I have learned.


May we each have the courage to search within our hearts and ask the Father if we are truly putting Him first in our lives.  I know He will shower down His blessings upon us as we do so.

I'm back.

Finally.  Here I am, back from my much-needed Sabbatical.  The winter was long, and spring was bumpy, but I have truly loved every minute of cradling my sweet little baby girl.  She is worth every struggle and turmoil.  I will recount my journey little by little, but for today, may I simply suggest that the Quest for Happiness is enhanced by suffering and trial.  While it never seems like it in the midst of the darkness, we know deep in our hearts that the dawn will come once again, and that knowledge is what sustains us until the happy sunshine rises again in our hearts.

It is through the hills and mountains we climb that we build stamina and muscle and shed the things that hold us down.  And when we reach the top, we feel enlightened and invigorated, and like we have finally found ourselves again.  But with the vast view below, the view of our inner selves is grander and larger as well.  We see who we were down at the bottom of the mountain, and now at the top, we realize we have become so. much. more.

And then we look heavenward and know with certainty that it was all because of Christ's grace that we have reached this point, this pinnacle.  The clouds roll blissfully above, and we reach up, feeling a vibrant connection with Deity.  We are His.  And now we are even closer to being like Him.

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Journey to 1000 Gifts from Him. {Day 251} SINGING PRAISE

There are mornings when waking up out of REM sleep and ending on the sour note of a bad dream really threaten to discolor the sky of any day.

I wake and try to ponder for a few minutes, but nothing stirs me out of the gloom.  I get up and begin the day with proofreading my sweetheart's paper and brushing through my hair tangle.  The little boys are up so early and I wonder how I'm going to fight through this day...alone...because my sweetheart is going back to school.  I get ready for the day and afterwards let the boys watch a short movie while I spend my much-needed daily time with the Lord...feasting and thinking and feeling.  I plead with Him for answers (as I do on so many mornings), answers to solve my miniscule problems that loom larger than life.

As I read I'm reminded of the dreams I had just before waking...of being left alone time after time...and me struggling to care for my boys all by myself.  And I realize that this subconscious fear is what I've been harboring...knowing that my sweetheart would be returning to school, knowing that soon we will welcome another beautiful spirit into our home and I will be a lone mother again when we move.

But the words I read give me hope and call me to repentance.  The Lord did not leave the Jaredites alone when they crossed the great deep.  He gave them light, He provided them wind, He made is so no whale or sea creature could mar their ships, He brought them out of the depths when they were encompassed about with waves.  And for 344 days, they were driven forth...tossed upon the waves of the sea.  

But what did they do?  Did they bemoan their lot or ask "why" to their Lord?  No.  "...they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord." (Ether 6:9)

And I felt that this story was for me.  Today.  And everyday as I strive to make the counting of the gifts become part of who I am.

So I sang.  Songs of testimony and commitment and love.  Songs that lifted me from the depths of the encompassing waves and set me aright again on top of the waters.

Songs of praise have this sort of power.  And I wonder why I haven't thought to make the consistent singing a part of my daily praise...

It is now.

"An occasional burst of praise, in the midst of years of complaining, is not what is required. Songs on rare, sunshiny days; and no songs when skies are cloudy—will not make a life of gratitude. The heart must learn to sing always."  ~J.R. Miller, 1912

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908.  Quiet time to relish with my boys and sweetheart every morning this week.
909.  Knowing the Lord will give me gems in my scripture study this morning.
913.  Imagining what my Little Star will look like and envisioning her in my mind.
914.  A fun and memorable library trip.
917.  My sweetheart telling me that I'm the most beautiful woman in the all the world and that he loves me with all of his heart.
922.  Little one hiccups inside of me
925.  My personal "Thanksgiving Celebration" where I will reflect on all that I have learned this year.
931.  German buttery pancakes with homemade Raspberry jam.
933.  The boys always behaving so reverently during Sacrament meeting.
940.  Paper chains--red and orange to count down our time before we move to our Cottage and pastel pink for when Little Star will come.
941.  Actually feeling the singing of praise lifting and energizing my sagging spirit.
942.  Pop reminding me that the waiting and anticipation is just as exciting as the actual having.

Journey to 1000 Gifts from Him. {Day 244}

#831. Little Bear making our bed out of the kindness of his heart.

#833. A dreary day.

#835. Sleeping in.

#846. A Thankful Box filling up.

#848. Being almost all ready for the hospital.

#849. Boys playing sweetly by themselves

#850. How they're growing up and I'm loving "where they are" right now.

#854. Feeling deep in my heart that the Lord's will really is best--whatever that may be.

#862. A nice, long rest while the boys made a big, beautiful mess of toys and play things.

#866. Christmas music bringing the magical feelings of the coming holiday season.

#877. A video about teaching gratitude to children through cataloging gratitude, gratitude letters, and 3 good things discussed at the end of each day.

#883. Little Bear's wild and crazy hair messed up from his hat.

#889. Turning my will over to the Lord.

#894. Little Bear hugging Little Bug, taking his cheeks in his hands and asking, "Do you love me?"

#900.  This holy, special family tiem on a Sunday evening.

#901. My sweetheart home with us all week.

#902. The boys playing lions as they wrestle helter skelter on the floor...and me letting the laughter roll the whole time...

Thoughts.

I have long struggled with my thoughts.  It seems as if discouragement, negativity, and doubt enter in the holes in my heart so easily.  I have found that the adversary uses every means possible to tempt us and bring us down--and this is one of the ways he succeeds so often with me.

But today is a new day, a new dawn, a new beginning.  Each day can and must be so if we are to attain the perfection our Lord requires. (see 3 Nephi 12:48).  And today I have chosen to meditate upon a verse of scripture that will empower me to press on and rise above.  And perhaps when I do this, the Savior can heal my holes, patching them up with the perfect peace only He can bestow.

The word brings us closer to Christ.  And why limit the time we feast to the small hours of the morning when we study?  Shouldn't the word be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path?  All day long?

They can be.  And these verses we ponder, and memorize, and cling to will become "stalwart friends" filed away in our memory to call upon when we are in need of comfort or guidance or strength.

So I write out a verse on a notecard...just a simple verse from Psalms, only eight words.  It's burning into my heart just a little more each time I recite it, building my faith, filling me with the Spirit.  And tomorrow there will be a new verse to memorize and recite and draw upon.  What grace the Lord has shown me today in prompting me to begin this small and simple practice.  He knew I needed empowerment.  He knew I needed Him.

"I will love thee, O Lord, my strength."

{Psalms 18:1}

Faith to do His Will {A Key to a Lifetime of Happiness}

The pine needles gleam with an edge of sunlight.  They bend in the breeze and sway to an unheard melody.  This is what I see today as I sip hot chocolate and stand in awe of His handiwork.  They bend as if their whole existence were centered on following the will of Him who manages the cosmos.  And indeed,

"O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth.  For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God.  Yea, behold at his voice do the hills and the mountains tremble and quake.  And by the power of his voice they are broken up, and become smooth, yea, even like unto a valley.  Yea, by the power of his voice doth the whole earth shake; Yea, by the power of his voice, do the foundations rock, even to the very center.  Yea, and if he say unto the earth--Move--it is moved." (Helaman 12:7-13)

 This subject has been on my mind for weeks now and I have been treading softly on new ground.  Not one day has been perfect, but there have been glimpses of a more Christlike heart and a few more heavenly moments.  Like yesterday.  And today.  I planned out my days with the Spirit guiding my heart to know what to pencil in and what to scratch out, leaving for later.  The friends I have visited, the purchases I've made, the way I've handled difficult behavior in my children has been pre-planned and guided by the Spirit...sometimes in the unexpected moment of it all.

And it is interesting to witness the change....in my days, in my demeanor, in my energy level, my health, vigor, and happiness.  Life is just lit with luster when we submit to His will and bend to the rhythm of His breeze.

This all has left me wondering how different my life would be if everyday, in every way, I tried to discern the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  How would my relationship with my children change? {Maybe flourish?}  How would my reactions be altered? {Perhaps all negativity would be eliminated?}  Would my time be better spent?  Would I be happier, more satisfied, content, and fulfilled?  Would this practice enable me to walk with Him daily?

I think I've stumbled upon another key to happiness; another key to making life holy; another key to a life of miraculous moments.

It lies in simply doing His will.

And every time I see pine needles, or leaves, or branches, or grass, or flower, I will think of this principle...and recommit.